At Odds to Even
by The Sketchywallflowr
Summary: The dust from the aftermath of Miranda has settled, and while the crew is moving on with their lives, there are still loose ends to tie. Simon is still determined to bring his sister back to the way she was, but he can't do it alone. He's asking for help, and he gets it... just not exactly the help he thought he needed.
1. Simon's Journal

Disclaimer: All characters are property of Joss Whedon

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**Excerpt from Simon Tam's Journal- Entry 748 **

Jayne Cobb is a man of many things, but depth isn't one of them. He doesn't think before he speaks, before he acts, before he shoots. I'm not sure that he's ever held a thought in his head more than four minutes at a time. I don't know if two brain cells of his have ever rubbed together enough to make any kind of spark, to form any sort of idea that didn't somehow gain him one of his basic primal needs. He's barely evolved from the apes of Earth That Was, spitting and grunting and showing signs of aggression to establish dominance. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how someone so thick could work complicated machinery like the arsenal of weapons he has at arms reach at any given moment. It's one of the few mysteries about him.

Jayne isn't the kind of man that knows how to spell the word "sensitivity", let alone comprehend its meaning. It's not secret that he and I don't get along; I have a feeling that it revolves a great deal around Kaylee. Despite the way he takes women to his bed with the regularity akin to that of a well wound pocket watch, it's obvious to anyone with observational skills that Jayne has a softness for her. A small part of me feels badly for him, and hopes that someday, he might settle down enough and gather enough courage or sense to tell the mechanic how he really feels.

A bigger part of me is glad that I got to her first.

It's entirely barbaric, and I know it, but there are some things that a man just can't help. I'd like to think that I've evolved past men like Jayne, that I have far more sophistication, that I don't fall victim to childish displays of ego. I would like to think that, but sometimes, I'd be wrong about it. I do know that despite those thoughts, and that little swell of manly pride, I can confidently say that I'm mature enough that I would never gloat or sneer in his direction because of it. It's not a competition to me. The truth of the matter is that I like Kaylee. She has a goodness in her that you don't find often in Core women. There's too much pettiness, and rivalry, too much cattiness among them. With Kaylee, things are simple. At least they are now, now that I'm sure of what's what and where things are going between us, and how far they could be allowed to progress. Stability can change everything.

It was a thought about stability, and permanence, and happiness, that made me think of River. She had a stable home with our parents, and she was happy there. And now we have stability on Serenity, we have a permanence here. I'm almost positive that we'll both be here until we die, or until the captain does. I don't care much to think about that. Besides, the current problems we face are much more pressing. We might have stability in location, but River's mind is another matter entirely. I know she is getting better but the dreams still plague her, and I know that she sees things, and maybe people, that aren't really there. My sister has always been imaginative. Her entire life she's been narrating mundane events as though they were fairy tales. She's prone to moments of whimsy and etherealness, and I always took comfort in them. It was just River being River. Now, though, they worry me. Whenever she starts talking about magical moments, or funny people we don't know in the real world, I can't help but wonder if she's being normal, or if this is a moment where she's lost from herself. That's how she described it to me- she said she felt lost from herself. She said it was like watching herself run down a long corridor, and she can see the person who she's supposed to be but she can't catch them, and instead she trips or falls or stumbled into another room, another River, one that's not supposed to be. It worries me that my sister can't control her own sense of being, and that there are thoughts and memories in her head that aren't hers. What worries me most, though, is that River talks about herself as though she's someone else, just another person in the room she's watching.

On one of our more recent jobs, while the crew was liberating some person or another of some goods or another, I myself was doing a bit of thievery to another unlucky merchant. I'm ashamed to say that I almost feel proud of this, as though it solidifies me as one of the crew. Burglary came easy to me, and that's worrisome, but it's another worry for another day. The theft was necessary, and in defense to myself I don't believe it will be something much missed on that outer rim planet. The "score", as Wash used to call it, was books. The local antique store had a cache of old texts on psychology and the human brain, as well as some dusty articles and scientific journals of similar topics. I don't think I've held an actual book in my hands since I was a child, and I don't think anyone had been holding these books in decades. For once I was glad for the attention that my fellow crew mates garnered, because it gave me ample opportunity to collect as many as I could carry and rush out with them. Nobody in the entire town noticed. Jayne clapped a hand on my shoulder and told me I'd "Done pretty good", which only adds to the shame in the pride I have in myself. But, regardless, I am now the owner of fifteen varying insights and studies on human psychology.

I'm not a psychologist, far from it. I know the chemical and electrical and the functional ways of the human brain. But I can't begin to say that I know anything about how it really, truly works. I can stimulate tissue and tell you where in your brain you will find the memory bank, or your emotions, or which synapses light up when you're falling in love. I don't know why people think the way that they do. But I do know that when a patient begins to separate themselves, or they show an indifference to their situation, it means they are giving up. I know that if River is removing herself from what's really happening, then she's conceding defeat and accepting that this is the way it is, and she's lost herself for good.

I don't want my sister to concede defeat. I don't want to lose her. I don't think- No, I'm certain of the fact that there isn't a more brilliant and beautiful mind in the entire universe than my sister's. To let that mind slip away... I refuse to do that. But it has become clear to me that I can't fix it by myself. The more I read from my stolen bounty, the more I see that I can't possibly juggle all of her healing on my own. My crew mates- my family, as I see them now- have been the greatest help I could ask for. They would do anything to help us, to help her.

At least, I'm hoping so. After everything we've been through I realize that her mind can't be forced back to the way it was before, and I'll need to be patient with that. Aside from a few episodes of mania or hysterics, we can deal with that. I can't pretend that isn't a threat to us in other ways, though. It still chills me to remember the way my baby sister looked when we got to her after that room full of Reavers, the way her eyes burned and that look on her face, and the way she stood... There was barely a scratch on her. I have nightmares about that but I keep them to myself, I don't even write them down because I refuse to maintain any association with that person and my sister. I can't pretend they're not the same person, though, as much as I'd like to. I've seen the damage she can do, what the academy training has done to her, and there's only one solution that I can see right now.

I need to untrain her. Or, if I can't erase what she's been taught, then retrain her. There was an angry moment where the captain asked me who we were waiting to find, the girl or the weapon. I'm ashamed that in that moment I didn't know. I do know now, I'm one hundred percent certain of the answer now. Despite her fits, and her visions, despite her lunacy or brilliance, and the physical danger she imposes on us or the emotional danger she puts on herself, I know she's going to come out the other side because I'm going to help her do it. And I know that when she does, when she's finally through the long and terrifying tunnel to recovery, we're going to find my baby sister.

My River.


	2. Chapter One- Simon Says

While I was walking through the ship, I could hear the grating scrape of a knife on a whetstone, echoing throughout. I didn't even like asking Jayne for the salt shaker while at the breakfast table, because usually he would throw it at me and laugh. But now I needed a favor, and it was a big one, and I was dreading it. I kept trying to talk myself out of it, but when it came right to the quick of it, I needed help. And, much to my chagrin, I needed Jayne's help.

When I found him, he was seated at the head of the dining table, an assortment of knives splayed out before him. They were of varying lengths, though all seemed impeccably sharp. I've noticed that Jayne is messy in almost every regard except where his weapons are concerned. In a way he's like a surgeon with them. They're his tools, and he keeps them in perfect order. In another time, maybe another life, I could see us sitting beside one another, sharpening our respective blades. But then, he snorted through his nose and spat upon the stone, and the notion vanished as I grimaced. "Ahm," I began, slowly approaching him, "may I interrupt?"

"Guess so," he grunted indifferently. He didn't stop his work, but at least he sort of glanced up at me for a moment.

I hated the noise that the blade on stone made, that awful, hissing scrape of steel on rock, but I ignored it as best I could. I tried to best think of how to phrase what I needed to say, how I could present it so that he might want to listen, but I couldn't quite finesse the words to dance around the subject well enough to pique interest. I had a feeling that unless the word "payment" found its way into the conversation, he wouldn't have the slightest interest. I had to try, though.

"As I'm sure that you're aware, River has been... changed, by the academy where I rescued her. Most of it is in her memories, but much of it also comes from training, military training, I think. They wanted to use her as a weapon. The man I spoke with said that she was the most successful subject they had, and I don't know if even he knew what River's capable of now." Despite the bored look on Jayne's face, I pressed on. "But she's unpredictable. I think that, in time, finding the right medications for her will help her, but I'm beginning to think that it won't be enough on its own. She's so young, and that academy did so much damage to her physical being, it couldn't have not taken a toll on her emotionally and mentally as well. I'm starting to believe that medicine won't be enough to make her better."

The scraping of the knife against the stone had slowed as Jayne listened, but only now did it stop in full. He looked up at me, his thick brow furrowed in thought, as though he were trying to decide something. "So?" was all he said.

"She's been conditioned by the Alliance to follow commands against her will. You've already seen it- the subliminal messages that triggered her in that bar, and with the phrase, to shut her body down when she hears it. They still have control over her, and that isn't safe for her. I need to reprogram her, like a computer."

Staring me down, Jayne lifted one eyebrow just slightly, his eyes boring into mine. "She ain't a computer," he said flatly.

I wasn't sure if he was serious or not, and staring at him for a few moments didn't clarify it any. "No," I said finally, my word slow and unsure. "I know she isn't. I was just... providing an example as to how I need to change the way her brain works."

"So her brain ain't workin' now?"

Again, I didn't know if Jayne was being sincere or not, but I had a feeling that he was being ignorant at my expense. My patience was wearing thin on the conversation, but I needed his help so, for the moment, I remained passive. "It's working, yes," I explained, "but because of what the Alliance did to her in that academy, it's not... it isn't..." Using the computer analogy would've described the problem beautifully. She had a virus in her brain, so to speak, making it malfunction. The Alliance could override her free will with all the information they'd put in her brain. I needed to override them, sort of reset her back to normal.

But all this technical talk would have been lost on the brute. I only have a basic, necessary understanding of computers myself, and that's only because I knew a few programmers and hackers from school, and then from my accomplices that helped me get River out. I had my doubts that Jayne even knew how to turn a computer on. But he was sitting there, his arms folded over his chest with the knife in one hand, his eyes boring into me, expectant. It sent a small chill through me that I didn't understand at first, but gradually, as a flush crept over my cheeks, it became clear. It was shame. I was putting myself in a position where Jayne had some kind of power over me, where I needed a favor from him, only him, and it made me feel very ashamed. I considered ending the conversation there, but I couldn't. I needed to help River. I had promised her that, and after everything she had lost because of me, I couldn't let her down.

So, after clearing my throat and straightening my shoulders, I began again with mildly feigned confidence. "This makes her weak, vulnerable. And if they're still coming after her, and they probably are, I don't want them to be able to take her." I swallowed then, almost reluctant to admit the next. "You've seen what she can do. If we were in trouble, she would be... ahm, an asset. And I think it would behoove all of us, I mean all of the crew, if she could-"

"What do you want me to _do_, Doc?" he interrupted suddenly, his voice hard and bored and curt.

I had hoped, foolishly, to ease him more into it, to bring him around to the discovery on his own, make him see that it really was vital that he offer his time and energy on people he was not shy about hiding his distaste toward. But that wasn't how Jayne worked, and I should have known better than to try finesse. Jayne didn't finesse. "I need to figure out a way to get her mind back under control, and I need you to help me."

"Why me?"

"Because you're the only person strong enough to almost match her in combat, and it might come down to that. And because..." I hesitated for just a moment. "You don't like her." Steepling my fingertips, I tapped the pads together nervously. Life in the black is more direct than what I'm used to, so foraging into a conversation this way is still new to me, it makes me unsure. Manners and charm and undertones are the only way we spoke back home, it was never so... bold. I had to learn the new way to live, though, since this was my home now. And staring at me from his seat, with a dirty face and a dirtier mind, was a member of my new-found family. Although the thought of Jayne as family made my soul blacken just a little.

His head cocked slightly, and an almost amused expression crossed his face. "So why would that make me inclined to offer my assistance?" he asked, the ending of the sentence colored with a condescending chuckle.

It came to my mind that he didn't acknowledge what I had said about him not liking River, although he made no move to deny it, either. Maybe she had worked her way into neutral territory in his mind. "I suppose it wouldn't," I admitted. "But she's saved your life before, all of our lives, and I know she would again if... if she ever needed to. " He didn't respond to that, only kept staring at me, so I pressed my luck. "Really, it's more of a tactical plan, actually, because it-"

"No." In that short word he effortlessly crushed my nerve, and my shoulders sank. I should have planned on him saying no, but I hadn't. I didn't know what else to do if he turned me down. While my mind started racing to think of another reason, another way to bring him around, Jayne leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table, and picked up the whetstone once more. "Why don't you go git Kaylee or the cap'n or one'a them to do it?"

"Because they can't!" I hadn't meant for the protest to sound like such an obvious plea, but there it was, and it made one of Jayne's eyebrows shoot up on his forehead. He didn't say anything, though, which surprised me. I had expected some kind of snide comeback. "They would try, but I don't think they could handle what I need from them. The reason I asked you is because you don't care about her, not like they do, and you won't..." The next I said with great trepidation, because I didn't know what it would put into his mind. "You won't have a problem hurting her."

The look of surprise quickly turned to one of great amusement, and he chuckled genuinely. It made me feel a little ill. "Shoot, doc, you shoulda mentioned I was gonna get to hurt her in the first place. I'd been happy to help you out there."

"That's... great," I said ruefully, regretting ever having thought up this plan to begin with. "You're not going to be hurting her on purpose, though. Well you are, a little but... once I explain it to you, it'll make more sense. I think."

"Good. Meanwhile, I'll get my carving knife ready." His eyebrows wagged, trying to bring me in on the excitement. "For carving."

This didn't bring me any excitement, but instead made me blanche, and I'm sure my face paled until I looked like a vampire. "What?!" I cried out, my fingers curling, but not enough to make a fist. I was too shocked to be as angry as I'm sure I felt.

Jayne laughed at me then, as I should have known he was going to, and he roughly patted my arm with the hand still holding the knife he'd been sharpening. "I'm just messin' with ya, doc," he assured me, though it didn't bring me any assurance at all that he wasn't a complete lunatic. Who joked about something like that? "You gotta ree-lax." He said _ree-lax_ as though it were a hyphenated word, as though drawing it out would assuage my horror. Using his foot to push a chair out, I assumed for me to sit, Jayne shook his head and continued in his previous task. "You make it too damn easy, doc," he snorted, speaking more to himself than to me.

"I'm glad I amuse you," I mumbled, slowly sinking into the proffered chair. I had half a notion to grab the stone from him and throw it, just to make him have to go retrieve it. I know it's petty, and childish, but Jayne has a way of getting under my skin. He has no manners, no sense of decorum, none of it. I know that life on the rim is a lot different than it is on the core planets, and I know that the principles of life out here vary greatly from what I used to know. Still, the captain manages to maintain some kind of decency in him, and he's in the very same place as Jayne. It's not impossible to do. Regardless of how I felt about the ape man, though, I needed his help. What was more, I had to trust my baby sister in his calloused, filthy hands. _At least I'm not leaving her in his care_, I assured myself. _I will be there the entire time to make sure he isn't hurting her in any way. He won't do her any harm._ It wasn't much assurance, but it was something I could hold on to.

"So, doc," Jayne said, in that drawling way of his. "What's this brilliant plan o'yours that's gonna un-creepify your sister?"

"Well it's more of a theory, at this point," I admitted, "and it's going to be a very slow process. But I think it's going to work. I haven't really ironed out all the details of it, but I'm-"

"You remind me of this guy," he interrupted, setting down the knife he'd been sharpening and selecting another. "He was a talker. Smart, I guess, but he talked too damn much. He was always talkin', all the time. Kinda like Wash done, but only more... talkin'. And nervous, too. Nervous kinda guy who just talked all the ruttin' time. Turns out he was just talkin' because he didn't have much to say." He pointed the knife at me as a teacher might a ruler to a petulant student. "You're talkin' too much and not sayin' much."

"Sorry," I said earnestly. "Basically, what I'm planning to do is recondition her brain. The academy had to work into her mind to follow one command with an action. I can't just make her forget that, or make her stop, but I'm hoping that I could alter it, perhaps. Make her have a different reaction to their commands. A reaction that's less volatile."

"And what I am doing?"

"Safety, mostly. You'll be there to disarm her, if it comes to that." Pursing my lips a bit, I frowned in thought. "Mal would take her out while trying not to hurt her, which I appreciate, I very much do. But since we're going to be touching on some very sensitive areas in her mind, and it will trigger her most basic and defensive reactions, I don't need someone who will try their best to disarm her to keep her from hurting anyone, or herself." I met Jayne in the eye, trying to relay the heaviness and severity of the request. "I need someone who will just take her out. Period." His eyes were bright in color, but somehow they looked so dark, and I felt a lump in my throat. "But not kill her." I had to clarify that, and I'm glad I did because Jayne's expression changed in such a way that didn't sit well with me. I couldn't help but wonder what he'd been thinking not a moment before. "I don't want to hurt her, obviously, but she needs to be reconditioned."

"You keep using that word, doc. What's it mean?"

"Recondition?" He nodded. "Well, it's like... training. It's the behavior you teach someone."

"You mean like a dog?"

"Yes!" I actually smiled, because Jayne had stumbled upon a metaphor much simpler than the computer one I was using earlier. "Exactly. I'm going to teach her new tricks, so to speak."

"And I'm there to put the leash on her when she starts bitin'?"

"Yes, that is the idea... though you won't actually be putting her on a leash." Snorting, he made a face at me, and I knew I had overstepped on the explanations. I can admit that Jayne isn't always stupid, but when he is, it's in a moment where you wish he weren't. I just wanted to make sure he was in complete understanding here, which might have come off as condescending. "You'll be there for her safety, as well as everyone else's. If I can avoid it, I don't want to have to use the safe word on her."

"Am I gonna get any pay for this?"

"Get paid for what?" Kaylee's bubbly voice and smiling face peeked in around the doorway.

Looking back at her over my shoulder, I smiled at her. "Oh, it's nothing. Jayne is just helping me with... something."

"Oh?" Expressions play out beautifully on Kaylee's face, and her delighted surprise was warm and genuine. "Well that's real nice, Jayne." Her small hand touched his shoulder gently, giving him a pat. Jayne scoffed, though I could see on his face that despite how aloof he wanted to be about it, that small bit of approval from Kaylee sat well with him. "Anything I can help with too?"

"Nope," Jayne said, trodding over anything I tried to say, "Just fixing his crazy sister. Nothing you can do for it."

"Fixing?" Kaylee pursed her lips in confusion, turning to me. "Fix her how?"

"Like a dog," Jayne sneered.

"What?!"

"No, we're not fixing her like a dog," I finally cut in, taking Kaylee's hand in mine. "We're not trying to fix her, exactly, we're just... it's, well it's... it's a little complicated right now. I just want to make her better, and Jayne has agreed to help... in a way."

I could tell that there were about a hundred questions Kaylee wanted to ask me, and I would probably hear them all later. But she isn't stupid, and she can usually tell when someone doesn't want to discuss something. Sometimes she presses anyway, but sometimes she doesn't, and thankfully this was a time when she didn't. "I'm glad you two are getting on better," she said with a smile, squeezing my hand and then going back to whatever she'd come in for. Tea, it seemed like. "I like when everyone gets along. Feels more like a family, y'know?"

"Right," I said slowly, the idea forming in my mind. "Right, no I agree with you. And despite our differences, Jayne and I are trying to be more... friendly. Which is why he's agreed to help me, no charge. Just as a favor to me." The look Jayne gave me was half disbelief and half a desire to kill me, but I held my ground with a small, placid smile. Kaylee was already gasping with surprise, and cooing to Jayne about how great it was that he wanted to be helpful to me and River. I had a feeling he wouldn't want to let her down, and my theory seemed to be proving true thus far.

"I figure it's good for all of us," he grunted at her. "If she gets less crazy she might quit swipin' at me with knives."

"It's still sweet," she told him, refusing to allow him to play off his act of kindness. After stealing a small kiss to her forehead, I left Kaylee and Jayne to their discussion, knowing that her praise would be more convincing to him than any begging I might do would have been.


	3. Chapter Two- Jayne Says

I only ever been in Inara's shuttle a few times. Once was when we'd run outta gas, and I had to be in charge of the crew to make sure we found some help. Another was a time I peeked my head in just to see what she done with the place. It always smells like that stuff she's burning, kinda spicy but not too bad. Smells like a woman's place.

Today I was in there because the doc and his crazy sister needed me to do some such thing for them. I wasn't real clear on what that something was, and I wasn't getting paid for it so already I felt I had better use of my time elsewhere. Inara had said the doc could be in her shuttle to give him some privacy, and her tea and her smelly smoke and all the blankets she's got draped all over are supposed to make people feel calm and safe. The little moonbrain seemed to like it well enough, and I guess that's the whole point of it. I didn't feel calm or nothing, just felt kinda bored. The doc likes to talk, and he does a lot of it when you let him, and right then he was going on and on to his baby sis. She was lookin' like how I was feelin'- bored. I ain't saying that it weren't a good idea he had, trying to retrain that crazy killing machine of his to be useful to us instead of the Alliance. I'm just saying that it was boring as hell.

"Do you understand what we're doing today?" he asked his sister, lookin' at her like she was off in her own head again. Maybe she was, but I didn't think so. I'm pretty sure she was just falling asleep from all his talking. Moonbrain didn't say nothing, just rolled her head to look at him and gave him that look. It's a baby sister look, kinda like they ain't gonna even say anything to you because you, as their big brother, are too damn stupid to understand it anyway. I had to bite my tongue not to laugh at that look, cuz I've seen it myself on my own baby sister so many damn times. Little crazy was kinda being normal right now.

I guess the doc had seen it plenty too, because he kinda apologized then kept talking. "Okay," he said, looking down at some book he had opened in his lap. "Okay, what I want to do today is to establish a safe place in your brain. We're not going to be talking about any secrets, or memories, or anything else today. We're just creating a safe space."

"So why do I gotta be here for that?" I asked him, scratching the four day beard I had going. Weren't no reason to shave if we was just gonna be on ship in the black anyway.

"You're here just in case," the doc told me.

Moonbrain rolled her head over my way, her hair all falling in her face. "Safety precaution," she said, serious-like. "In case we touch the detonator and the bomb goes off, and River goes... _ka-poooowww_..." Her fingers spread out like a bomb going off. I thought maybe there was really a bomb in her head, and that's why we were doing all this reprogram stuff doc kept talking about, but then the little crazy girl started laughing. It took a few tries, but I got that she was just being weird like she does.

"There is something mighty not right about you," I told her, but she laughed again. I didn't like that she was messing with me. I sure as hell don't like that she's smarter than me, though I ain't gonna let her know she is. But she might already, since she goes peeking into peoples' brains.

"River, I want you to close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths." The doc was trying to be serious again, so his sister gave me one last look like something was funny, then crossed her legs like people do when they sit still a long time and breathe deep and make humming noises. Meditate, I suppose. The shepherd woulda liked seeing this. He once told me that praying was a lot like meditating, only instead of being quiet in your head you were talking to God. I'd bet money that God wouldn't even wanna hear the stuff going on in that girl's head. But God probably wasn't here for this nonsense. Just me, the doc, and a crazy girl.

"Ohm..." River hummed, like they do in shows, and I snickered. Doc shot me a look but I couldn't help it! She was bein' funny, and she was doing it on purpose cuz one of her eyes opened to look at me and she smirked. I don't think she's ever actually been enjoyable in all the time I known her. Kaylee thinks she's wonderful, but little Kaylee thinks that about everyone she meets, until they shoot someone or stab somebody. And even then she gives 'em the benefit of the doubt. I ain't never gonna understand that girl.

But doc didn't seem to think this was funny and he scowled like a spoiled little Alliance baby to prove it. "River, focus," he said, sounding like my mama did whenever she yelled at me. Which was pretty often sometimes. "I'm doing this to help you."

"You're doing this to help _us_," she corrected him, closing her eyes and settling in and looking like now she might actually listen to him.

Doc ignored her, which I think is the best way to deal with her anyhow, and he looked back at his book. I ain't a big reader, and I couldn't even sound out the word on the front of that book in my own head, but I was guessing it was some instruction manual for how to fix crazy brains. "I want you to clear you mind. Let go of every thought, every image, just picture an empty place. A place that's safe. Don't think about anything else, just listen to the sound of my voice."

She nodded at him, her eyes still closed, but she didn't look much calm. Her eyebrows were twitching, bunched up and lifting like she was seeing things she didn't much like, or thinking too much about something. She kinda looked like a dog and I almost laughed again but I didn't wanna interrupt whatever the hell doc was doing. I had said I would help him, and I ain't always a man of my word but when there's no money involved to lose, I might as well be. After a while of making faces, little crazy seemed to calm down, and she breathed out real slow. Whatever goes on in her head must be real tiring, if it took that long to clear it up.

"Okay, River," he kept going. "What I want you to do now is picture in your mind a room. It's big, and empty, there's nothing inside it. This is your safe place. This is where you can go when you don't feel safe, or when your thoughts are too much for you. When the memories you have, or the ideas, when they start to overwhelm you, you can come in here and they'll all go away. They're not allowed."

I think that the doc expected this to be good news for his sister- if she had somewhere to go where she weren't crazy anymore, that shoulda made her happy. But instead she started shaking her head. "No," she told him, looking like she was gonna start crying. "No, no no..."

"It's okay, mei mei, this room is safe-"

Then little moonbrain started screaming. "No! No more cells, no more tunnels, no more hiding places! It's too crowded and too dark and there is too much noise in there!" Bashing her fist against the side of her head, she growled, her teeth gnashed together and her eyes closed tightly. She was having some kinda fit and I thought maybe that piece of cheese had finally slid off the cracker up there.

"To hell with this," I said, getting to his feet. "I ain't got time to be playin' with no moonbrain little girl." To be honest, I was getting pretty nervous about this. All he done was tell her to think about a room and she was already pitching a fit and screaming like mad. Anybody can think about a damn room and not go into a fit, and if this girl couldn't, maybe she was too far gone to fix.

"Wait!" The doc reached out for me, trying to keep me in the room while he dealt with his sister. "Just wait, hold on..." Letting the book fall off his lap, he got onto his knees and took River's head in his hands. "It's okay, River, it's safe, you're safe, I promise it's okay-"

"There are too many rooms," she whispered. Now she was really crying and I hate crying girls. "Too many rooms, too many tunnels... I get too lost, I don't want to be lost anymore! I don't want it, I won't keep it!"

"But this is-"

"NO!"

She screamed it so loud, the doc almost fell over. She didn't wait for more of his convincing, she just got up and ran outta there. I could hear her little feet on the metal walkways echoing, until it got softer and softer and that meant she was on the other side of the ship by now. The doc was still sittin' there on the floor, and he was rubbing a hand over his face looking pretty down. "You could've stopped her," he said to me finally.

"What the ruttin' hell for?" I asked him. "She weren't gonna listen anyway."

"Maybe..." He sighed. "Maybe if she had stayed, I could have talked to her, calmed her down, something."

I shrugged. He should know as much as I do that when crazy girl wants to get away, she does. I found that one out the hard way, and my boys down under ain't been the same since. "My mama always told me when a girl says no, that's the end of it. Peer-ee-ud. It's frustratin', but I ain't never been chased by an angry daddy and some older brothers looking to string my ass up."

The doc got up to his feet, looking worse for the wear. He was looking at me funny, like he didn't get what I was telling him. It seemed pretty damn clear to me, but maybe things are different in the Core. Maybe instead of angry menfolk going after you, Core families sent lawyers or servants or something. "This really isn't the same," he said to me in that tone he gets that I really hate. He talks like he's better than me, like he's smarter than I am. I may not know a lot of book things but I sure as hell last better in the real world than he does. "I'm doing this for her own good. I'm trying to help her, give her what she needs."

Again, I shrugged at him. "That argument never worked with me," I told him. "And it ain't gonna work with you either, 'parently."


	4. Chapter Three- Jayne Says

It turns out that a man can't ever sit in the kitchen area without some man or another coming up to him to bother him about one thing or another. It ain't never a good bother either, not like you're gettin' a bag of coin or a free woman. It's always something irritatin' and complicated. I just wanted to eat my breakfast without bother. Well, truth be told I didn't wanna eat that junk, but it's what we had and I'd slept right through Kaylee cooking something. Not that what she woulda made would be much better since we're running on limited supplies, but that ain't the point. I had a bowl of protein mash, I had my spoon and a cup of Inara's tea which ain't bad when you put enough leaves in there. I was just sitting and stuffing my face and being mighty fine all by myself.

But it never stays that way. Soon as I was starting to really appreciate the quiet, in walks the captain with a look on his face I already don't like. He's got a lot of looks I don't much like. "You busy?" he asked me, standing there with his arms folded over his chest.

"Yeah," I told him, through a mouthful of food. Don't matter what I told him, he's gonna talk if he needs to and I knew he needed to right now.

And sure enough, he just started in on it, didn't even miss a beat. "What's going on with you and the doc and his sister?"

I swallowed my mash, and grimmaced, cuz it's strong awful stuff. "Nothin' going on," I told him. "Doc asked me for assistance, I said I'd do it. Ain't much more'n that to say."

The captain sighed, and ground his teeth. "You know they been on this ship... better part of a year now. River's almost all grown up now. She's gonna be eighteen in about... eight, nine weeks I think?"

"Hmm."

"She's turning out to be a fine looking girl, I suppose."

It took a while to get what he was gettin' at, because none of it made sense to me why he was going on about River and her age and what a whatever kinda girl she was growing up to be. He sounded like her papa, which was weird, until the way he kept staring at me and and the phrase 'fine looking girl' hit my brain and I understood what he were going on about.

"Mal, you can't be serious."

He grabbed the chair with his foot and dragged it closer, planting himself in it. "I know you get stupid around money and women," he said plain like. "And since I can't imagine the good doctor's giving you much in the way of pay, I gotta wonder if it's that other bit of stupid that's got your interest here."

Scoffing and sneering, I couldn't even get across how stupid what the captain was saying really was. But it was sure as hell stupid, I can tell you that. As stupid as a pig on stilts, as my mama used to say. "Listen, I ain't got no interest in some baby moon brained little crazy, so you can just dump that go se outta your head."

"So it's money then? You planning on selling them out again, because I gotta tell you that I'm finding the both of 'em a mighty lot more useful these days, and you ain't gonna get a slap on the wrist like you did last time-"

"Slap on the wrist? It were a wrench to my gorrham head! And it ain't about no damn money, on the likely that there ain't none to be had anyway."

"So what's it about then?" He was looking at me all determined like, in that way that he does. Mal's got a way of knowing things without saying that he knows 'em, and you don't get to know he knows until he's staring you in the face like he was doing with me right now. Sometimes it made me kinda nervous, not that I'd tell him that, but this time it didn't. This time I didn't have nothing to hide from him, or nothing to confess to.

"It ain't about nothing," I grunted, spooning another mouthful of protein mash into my mouth. "You ever think maybe I'm just doin' it for the good of my fellow crew?" Course he hadn't thought of that, and that look he gave me said as much. It also said he wasn't gonna swallow that load. I guess I couldn't blame him much on that. Dropping my spoon, I looked at him right square in the eye. I was getting sick of talking about it already. "I'm not interested in some looney girl near half my age. Crazy girl tried to kill me, you remember that? She took a knife at me, sliced up my chest like I'm a gorrham turkey! I ain't forgot about that, did you?" Grabbing up my shirt, I went to show him the scar that was still there, damn near almost long as my forearm running clear cross my chest like a Miss Dairy sash. "It still itches sometimes!"

Captain put his hand over his eyes a sec, either to not get reminded about my very manly scar, or cuz he was gettin some headache from all his damn thinking that he always does. Letting my shirt down I picked up the spoon again and got back to my food, letting his brain make itself sick with overthinking. When he talked again he didn't sound sick though, even if his voice got quiet. "Then what's it about?"

Tapping my thumb on the tabletop, I thought a moment what it was about. I'm not a real big thinker, I'm a lot better spur of the moment, see. But the captain's always thinking, and asking, and planning and watching and observing. He's like a hunter, except he talks too damn much for it. He'd scare away the deer and boar and all them just from talking so damn much. Thing is that sometimes, I dunno why I do what I done. It just springs into my head, right then, usually a Yes or a No. And when the doc came round and asked me to do this thing with him and his sister, I said yes. Because my brain said yes, and it was kinda that simple. I did a quick think about the pros and cons, and decided that Yes was the better answer for it. But now the captain was sittin' there and asking for a reason why, and he had that look that said he wasn't gonna just drop this anytime soon till he got something from me, so I had to sit there and think. Truth is, I'm pretty sure that I knew why I had said yes to doing this, but I didn't want to admit to myself even what that reason was.

"Look," I said finally, busying myself with stirring up that mash, "crazy girl done us all a service by... doin' what she done with them Reavers. I ain't forgot about that. I sure as hell ain't gonna thank her for it none... but I ain't gonna not thank her for it either. Cuz she still cut me," I reminded him. He didn't say anything for a bit, just kept looking at me. Looking and talking and thinking, that's the captain. Gorrham owl, that's what he is. So I just kept eatin, cuz if he wasn't gonna talk then I wasn't gonna listen.

Finally he smiled a bit, which was good cuz I was wondering if he were mad or something and I was gonna take another wrench to the head or something. "Okay," he said plainly, getting up to his feet. "You know sometimes you surprise me, Jayne. Not often, but sometimes."

"Yeah?" I didn't know if that were a good thing or a bad one. "Is that a good thing or not?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Can I get a bigger cut on jobs now?"

"No," he called back over his shoulder, since he was already walking away from the eating area.

"But I thought you liked interestin' people!" I yelled at him. I knew he wasn't gonna say yes, but I figured I'd ask anyway. "You take an interest in someone, you give 'em all sorts of stuff. I had to damn near shoot you just to get on the boat!"

He stopped at the door right before the bunks, looking back at me. He was trying not to laugh, which was good in this instance. Usually when he's laughing it's a good day. "You're going from 'interesting' to 'annoying' now."

"You give too much to annoying people too," I pointed out. I felt pretty clever because the doc and his sister were both damn annoying and kinda interesting, and the captain seemed to have taken a shine to them both. He didn't say nothing to that, just walked away and went into his bunk and ignored me. "Damn sure saved your life more'n that ruttin' doctor," I mumbled to myself. It woulda been nice for once to have someone take my side, say 'Hey Jayne, good job ya done. Class act all around.' instead of assuming I got some ulterior motive for myself. Or worse, that I got some creepy interest in an even creepier moonbrain girl. "Erzi de húndàn báichī," I mumbled, stabbing my spoon into the bowl.


	5. Chapter Four - Simon Says

Kaylee loves it when I rub her feet. She says it makes her feel like a queen, which isn't something she usually feels when she's up to her elbows in grease, tinkering with the engine. I like to do it because it's an easy way to please her, and it makes her smile. Plus, her feet are very ticklish so it's easy to make her laugh. Since that day we let out the truth about Miranda, and when we were all trapped and thought that we were going to die, I have decided to make an effort into appreciating smaller moments in life. Sometimes the universe can seem too big to exist in, and if you don't stop and catch your breath and look at where you are you'll lose your footing. I had spent months with something so huge over my head, running from something too big to escape, that living in small moments was almost impossible. With the threat of danger ebbing, though, and now that my feet are on solid ground (relatively), I can sit back and actually live the life that I'm in now instead of just waiting for the next problem to come.

Kaylee had asked me this morning about what I was doing with Jayne and River, and since the first session had been such a disaster, I didn't want to tell her. It's not because I don't trust her, it's more that I feel like I've failed. I felt like an idiot coming up with the plan, then figuring out how to execute it. I put in so much effort and all the while I felt ridiculous, like I might as well have been playing with magic fortune telling balls and tarot cards. As a real doctor, the science of psychology and therapy has always been a little hazy to me. Yes, there is validity in the practice and yes, I know that some problems, such as emotional trauma, can't be fixed with pills and shots. But some of the methods used, some of the ones mentioned in those books I stole, seem like a fifth grade child had written them as imaginary play for his friends. I felt like a failure because my medicine isn't working, and I had to put my faith in this invisible medicine, and it hadn't worked either.

I had been lucky this morning that the ship took a strange dive in the sky, and Kaylee needed to rush off and tape the engine back together in that special way she does. I was lucky then, but my luck has a way of giving up on me halfway through a job. About an hour or so before dinner, Kaylee came up behind me and wrapped her dirty arms around my waist, and pressed a kiss on my shoulder. The hug I appreciated, the kiss I really appreciated, but the streaks of engine grease on my shirt I could have done without. "I finally figured out the problem!" she beamed, coming round to the front of me and standing on her tip-toes to kiss me properly. "That thruster's been giving me trouble since we hit that patch of rocks when we was gettin' chased off that planet, remember when we made that heist and you got them books of yours? Well it turns out that the blah blah blah wasn't gettin' enough push, so I blah blah blah blah and all it took was to bypass the blah blah with blah blah blah!" Grinning, she bounced on the balls of her feet, looking at me expectantly for praise.

"Wow, that's pretty amazing," I told her, smiling encouragingly. Okay, so she might not have actually said "blah blah", but she may as well have, for all that I understood. I've been trying to familiarize myself with the ship's engine so I can understand what she tells me, and maybe I can be as excited about it as she is, but I haven't found the time for it yet. My mind has been on a few other things at the moment.

Despite my best efforts to be involved in the conversation, Kaylee frowned at me dubiously. "You didn't get a single thing that I said, did you?"

"Well... no, not.. not really." Laughing apologetically, I kissed her nose as a peace offering. "But I am very glad that you're happy, and that everything is in working order for the moment, so we're probably not going to die."

"Oh, no, we wouldn'ta died or nothing. We'd have just kept goin' round in circles 'till we all got sick."

"Well then thank you for keeping all of us from losing the contents of our stomachs."

"Some of us are still in danger of it," Mal called over to us as he descended the stairs. "Having to watch you two... canoodling all over my ship."

"Canoodling?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow. "I think my grandfather once accused me of that..."

"Well maybe you shouldn't have been making him sick." As both of his feet planted on the bottom step, Mal looked between me and Kaylee, like he was expecting us to part for him like Moses and the Red Sea. I would have been happy to oblige- I even let my arms drop from around Kaylee's waist- but she didn't seem as eager to move for the captain.

"Nobody's asking you to watch us canoodle," she told him teasingly. "We were just standin' down here, mindin' our own business. You was the one who came lookin' for us."

"Actually I came lookin' for him," Mal said, nodding toward me. "I need gauze. Zoe's cut herself up pretty decent."

"Oh, does she need stitching, or...?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna wrap her up like one of them Egypt mummies, you know. " Giving me a wink and a pat on the shoulder (which was more a shove to get me moving), he followed me into the infirmary, taking the box of gauze that I skeptically handed to him.

"Are you sure I can't take a look at it?" I asked him. "That is why you have me here."

"Oh no, wouldn't dream of taking you away from your canoodling. Only brought you on the boat so my engineer could have somethin' to canoodle over."

"Cap'n you're bein' a real _téngtòng de pìgu_ right now!" Kaylee scolded him, prodding him in the chest. "Why you gotta come down here and pester us like that?" She tried to sound harsh and angry, but her eyes were twinkling with delight so it didn't work.

But Mal was usually happy to humor her. With a look of false incredulity, he looked at Kaylee, then at me. "She's got a mouth on her," he said. "I can't believe you kiss that."

"Well he ain't gonna if you don't get going," Kaylee pointed out.

Holding up his hands in defense, Mal backed away. "Okay, okay," he said as he retreated back up the stairs. "Sorry to interrupt your, ahm..."

"Canoodling?" I offered with a smirk.

"If that's what you're callin' it."

"G'bye cap'n," Kaylee said impatiently, wrapping her arms around my neck. I would've kissed her on the nose again but the captain was still watching us, and it didn't feel right with him right there. So instead I just returned the embrace, my arms fitting very easily around her tiny waist. She was so small, but she fit perfectly in my arms.

"Oh Kaylee," Mal called, peeking beneath the stairs, "don't forget to-"

"Already done it," she told him without looking at him, her focus on me. I didn't have a problem with that.

"But you don't-"

"I got it."

"I was gonna say-"

"Bye now!"

Giving me a wink over Kaylee's shoulder, which meant he'd only been talking just to pester her, Mal continued his journey back upstairs, leaving us alone once again. The minute he was gone from sight I closed what little space there was between us, pressing my lips to hers and sighing softly at the feel of it. There haven't been many girls in my life, at least not many that I've actually had to courage or luck to get to kiss. But there have been absolutely none like Kaylee. "So," I mused playfully, "where were we?"

With a pleased little grin, Kaylee giggled. "I was tellin' you about the engine and you weren't gettin' one word out of it."

"No," I said with a chuckle, tracing over her back with my fingers, "I mean after that."

"Ohhhh," she said, as though understanding had suddenly dawned on her. "You mean after I explained to ya how I've fixed my baby girl."

"Mmm, yes, after that."

"Well you was gonna tell me about what you n' Jayne are up to with River."

I know I should have seen that coming. Kaylee doesn't let things go unless she absolutely has to, and she was as curious as anyone could be about it. And so far she had been so great, not pressuring me to talk, not asking River or Jayne to go around me for answers. (Or maybe she had, I don't really know.) Still, I was hoping that the moment could have gotten a little more intimate. Hearing mention of both Jayne and my sister was enough to quell any desire from me. First I sighed, and then I groaned, but overall I had to smile at her. She's very sneaky when she wants to be. "Kaylee..." I began, but I didn't have anywhere to go with that. I thought about asking her again to let it go, or to try and make up an excuse to leave, or just outright lying to her. In the end though, I decided to just tell her about it. If we were going to make this relationship work I couldn't be keeping secrets from her. "It's a bit complicated, I'm not sure you'll really... get it."

I could feel the chill from her before she even stepped away from me, and looked at me with that piercing and displeased look. "Because I'm too stupid to understand your doctor business?" she asked heatedly.

"No!" I told her, "No, it's not... it isn't because you're stupid. No I mean I don't think you're stupid!" I corrected, when she added an offended huff to her already angry glare. "It's not that at all, it's just... what I mean to say is that I don't even fully understand it." I sighed, because her look of anger hadn't let up any, although she wasn't walking away yet so I knew I had a chance. The best thing to do would be to spill it all out and sort through it after. "What I'm trying to do is fix the way River's brain reacts to certain stimuli. And doing that involves a lot of mental exercises, and emotional therapy, and... and things like that. I have to go into her head and reprogram the way she thinks."

Kaylee cocked her head to one side, considering what I was telling her, her lips scrunched up in thought. "Why do you have Jayne helping you? I could help with that, couldn't I?"

"Believe me, Kaylee, I would rather let you help me with it than Jayne, but..." Tapping the pads of my fingers together (a nervous habit of mine, I've noted), I finally shrugged. "It's not going to be gentle work, this process we're going through. River's brain isn't going to want to change, we have to sort of force it. I need someone who won't be gentle with her, and won't be afraid of pushing her even though she's scared, or unsure, or angry."

She looked like she was going to cry, or maybe like she was too hurt to cry. But finally, Kaylee nodded at me. "You mean like a drill sergeant. In the army, when you go in for training you got some tough guy with muscles yellin' at you to do more, run faster, climb the wall, all that. And he's mean and you don't wanna do all the stuff he makes you but in the end you're a soldier, and you can do a lotta stuff you couldn't before. You gotta send River's brain to boot camp, and Jayne's the toughest muscles you know that'll make it climb the wall."

The way Kaylee simplified things sometimes just amazed me. She took something as complex as a complete psychological recondition and made it sound like the simplest task. The way she put it, I felt even stupider for not having gotten better results the first time. "That's actually pretty much what it is," I admitted to her.

With a sniff, she crossed her arms over her chest, and nodded again. "I understood that," she pointed out, sounding annoyed, but less so than before. "I ain't as stupid as you think I am sometimes."

"Kaylee, no, I don't-"

"Yes you do." Her voice was firm, but soft. "I ain't mad at you for it. You're a doctor, and I ain't book smart like you are. Of course you think you're smarter than me. But I ain't stupid, Simon."

"I know," I told her. "I don't think you're stupid, I just-"

"I'm gonna shower now," she told me, treading over my words that she clearly wasn't listening to. "Wash this grease offa me. I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

"Sure," I said weakly, watching her ascend the stairs and disappear from sight. When Kaylee is mad at me, she isn't shy about showing it. This wasn't mad, though. I sat down to think about what it was, to decipher that look on her face, and when it did finally come to me I felt even worse. She wasn't mad at me, she was disappointed. She really felt like I thought she was stupid. I didn't, though, and I could have let her know that if I'd only been really honest, and told her how stupid I felt about this entire mess. The truth was, though, that I would rather have her be disappointed in me for underestimating her than to have her know that I'm a failure in medicine, in something where I'm supposed to be brilliant. I guess it's pride, or ego, or maybe I really am just stupid. But if Kaylee knew I was struggling, and she stopped believing in me, then I wouldn't believe in myself.

And then what would become of my sister?


	6. Chapter Five - Jayne Says

Author's Note: I'm not really sure where the notion came from, but this isn't a Rayne fic, and they won't end up together. Sorry if that disappoints anyone.

* * *

I think it ain't fair that I gotta sit in that room with the doc and his crazy sister while they talk about brain rooms and peaceful spots and she sits there with her eyes closed, but I can't bring nothin' with me to keep myself occupied. I dunno what kinda danger the doc had in mind with this chattin' nonsense he got goin' on, but so far all we done is sit on the floor like school kids and breathe real slow and think about things. I was even hoping that little crazy might make them faces she did again, or do somethin' a little entertaining, but she ain't been of any interest since the first time. Three damn times I been sitting on the floor of Inara's shuttle (ain't even allowed to sit on the bed) just watching the doc talk fluffy doctor stuff at his baby sister and look at this book in his lap like it got all the answers in there. Last time we done this, day before last, he told her to think about the happiest thing she ever done. She was quiet for near ten damn minutes, longest she probably ever got in her life. So I thought about my happiest thing I ever done too, since I wasn't bein much use to them anyhow. It involved three ladies and the greenest Absinthe you ever drank, and damn me if I can remember a single minute of that night. But I do remember it was best damn night of my life.

Today, apparently, little girl was supposed to finally create that safe space in her brain that the doc tried for the first time and made her go all screaming on us. I kinda even wanted that, just something to make this whole sittin' around thing less boring, but the damn girl was being cooperative for once in her gorrham life. Figured.

"Think about something that makes you feel safe," the doc was saying, reading off the page in his book. "Somewhere warm, but not too hot. Cool, but not too cold. A perfect temperature in the middle that'll-"

"I understand climate control," crazy girl said, not opening an eye or moving a muscle.

"Okay," doc said, like he was apologizing. "I'm just reading from the text."

"Oh. Continue, then."

"Okay. Uh, warm not hot, cool not cold... oh okay. Um. Picture in your mind the walls of your space, from corner to corner, ceiling to floor, the color paint of the walls, or wallpaper-"

"There's no wallpaper," she told him.

That made him look up from his book like it was interesting, which it wasn't. "No?"

"No walls to paper."

"Is it... are you outside? Like a field, or a beach?"

"No." Smiling to herself, she made a kinda purring noise, like a cat. "It's a hobbit hole."

I'm supposed to keep quiet for these things, but I couldn't keep it shut after that. "A what?" I asked her. "What in the ruttin' hell is a hobbit?"

"Little men, hairy feet. They dig their homes under hills. Roots are wallpaper, little circle windows. Wood and spices. Nature, simple... nothing on machines. A tobacco pipe and iron pots." She purred again, her shoulders slumping a little like she was startin' to fall asleep. Normally she sat rigid like a board, but now she was looking almost normal. Like she was comfortable in her head. Which made her a lot more weirder for me cuz if she was comfortable in that mess of nonsense she's got going in there all the time, seems to me there ain't no hope for her out here in the real world.

I looked over at the doc, who kinda looked back for just a second, most of his attention on his sister. "Is this one'a them things where she starts talkin' nonsense at us and then runs away cryin', or is this some other kinda crazy we ain't seen yet?"

"River?" doc said gently, like he usually talked to her when she was in one of her "episodes", as he calls 'em. "Are you... is this your safe space?"

"Safe, mm," she agreed, smiling. "Hobbits are fussy, everything's clean. No mess, no visitors." Cocking her head a little she paused, then seemed fine again. "Except the rabbits. Sometimes they get lost from their tunnels, and they burrow in."

"This is amazing," the doc said, a smile now getting on his face. I was starting to think that maybe I was bein' the one crazy here for not smilin' like they were. He turned and put a hand on my leg, which ain't a normal thing for a man to do to me and I let him know, glarin' hard at him. Don't think he noticed.

"Amazing?" I asked him. "Your sister's talking like she's five nuts past a fruitcake, and you're callin' it amazing?"

"Look at her. She's calm, she looks happy, like she's not worried, or scared... She's smiling. That means it's working, she's created a place in her mind that's safe for her, somewhere she could go when everything becomes too much." The doc looked pretty proud of himself, and probably shocked that moonbrain girl wasn't a total lost cause. Even I had to admit that maybe he was onto something with all this book and talk stuff he was doing.

It didn't last long, though. Good things never seem to when the Tams are involved, I noticed. Little crazy's face went from lookin' happy to lookin' real confused, and her face was following something moving in front of her even though her eyes were still closed. "You don't belong," she said, sounding pretty scared. For a minute I thought she meant me, and I was ready to tell her that I didn't even wanna be a part of this _ya pigu_ garbage but the doc put a hand on me again, and this time I almost slapped him for it. I didn't though, because I'm a decent fella.

"What's wrong?" doc asked, putting his book on the floor. "River, talk to me, tell me what's happening." That proud look on his face sure was gone.

"He doesn't belong!" When that girl shrieks she really tests your ears, and she shrieked like that now. "He isn't one of them, he's not the rabbit! He doesn't belong, he's not one of them!" Grabbing the side of her head, she bent herself forward and rocked, shaking her head and mumbling at herself and being an all around crazy girl.

It was gettin' obvious to me that whatever he was doing here wasn't working, but doc didn't wanna give up on it. "River it's okay, you're okay. It's your safe place, nothing can get you in there, nothing can get in-"

"IT'S IN HERE!" she screamed at him, one of her little feet shooting out like a bullet and kickin' her brother in the chest, knocking him over. I woulda laughed, if her being loony didn't put me on edge a bit. She's unpredictable when she starts acting like she was now. "It got in with the rabbits, he tunneled in... he's burning, it's burning, the wood and the roots and the dirt, all of it, fire! It's all flames!"

I heard about people that start burning up and then turn to flames for no reason at all, and ain't nobody ever been able to figure out the cause of it. And if that was happening right here with little crazy girl, I was gonna get outta here. "Is she catchin' on fire!?" I asked.

"No, she's... it's in her mind, her safe space, the imaginary room where she is, it's..." Doc looked worse for the wear, like he was at the very end of some real short and shoddy rope. "River!" He was shouting at her, trying to talk through her yellin' but it weren't doing any good. "It's okay, you're safe-"

"They burn everything..." Now she was crying, and I really hate a crying little girl. Makes me think too much of my sister. But even so, none of this was making any damn sense to me. If she weren't in real danger, and it was in her brain, what was she worrying about? I bet if she'd open her ruttin' eyes she'd have been fine.

"So there ain't no real fire?" I asked the doc.

"No, she's imagining it."

"Ain she ain't gonna get hurt from it?"

"No," he said again, sounding a little miffed that time. He was still tryin' to grab her hands and make her stop kicking and yelling and flailing about like she were full of rattlesnakes.

"So if the fire's in her brain, and she ain't gonna get hurt by it... why don't she just throw imaginary water on it and put it out?"

That was when the screamin' stopped, thank God, and crazy girl turned her head toward me but didn't open her eyes. She looked kinda like some creepy blind bird. Her brother took that tiny moment of quiet to grab her face in his hands, turning her to face him but she still had her eyes closed. "It's not that simple," he told me over his shoulder. "This isn't playing imaginary games, this is her mind, her brain, and it-"

"Water," she said, her voice all light and creepy, like a ghost. Sent a chill right through me. She didn't sound like her, more like someone else was talking through her, only it was still her voice. "My brain. My water... I can tell it to get out."

"River?" The doc let go of her face, sitting back in his spot and finally looking as confused as I been feeling the whole damn time. It was buggin' the right hell outta me to think I was the only one here who had no idea what was going on.

"The trees will fix themselves... they always do. I can patch like Kaylee, with love. The rabbits stay but he goes, back through the tunnel. I'll bury him." A sick, kinda spooky smile came over her face, not like one I ever seen on it before. "Bury him alive. My hobbit hole, not his. Never."

I leaned close to the doc, who seemed to not have anything to say for once. "That girl is un-settling," I told him in a mumble. If she heard me, she might use that brain of hers to steal my memories or burst a blood vessel or make me bleed out my eyes or somethin'. I need my eyes, and my vessels.

"River, tell me what's happening..." The doc looked more lost now than he ever had before, and it made me happy. He's a smartass who thinks he knows more'n everyone around here and it's about ruttin' time someone knocked him off his high horse, and better still it be some crazy baby sister.

"It's gone," she told him plainly, then finally opened her eyes. "All gone. I kicked him out. Jayne gave me water and the fire went, and the bad went, and it's safe." Tipping her head back she sighed, and breathed in deep without having to be told to. "Safe, and pretty. And River's, no one else's." She purred again, then got up and kissed her fingertips, then pressed 'em against my forehead. "Thank you for water," she said, and walked outta the shuttle like she was floating.

I stared at her a long while, well actually I was glaring cuz I didn't appreciate some little girl puttin' kisses on my head, not even if she was thankin' me. That girl can kill with her brain and I don't want her touching me. When she was gone I wiped it off, scrubbing my forehead with the heel of my palm just in case. Maybe her lips got some kinda poison on 'em, I dunno what she does all day. The girl ain't normal and I ain't takin' chances.

"What just happened?!" The doc's voice was sharp and loud, and it cut through my thoughts.

"I dunno," I grunted at him. My legs was startin' to fall asleep so I stood up too, shaking one foot and then the other to get my blood back to 'em. "She did that thing you wanted, didn't she? With her brain... whatever it was you wanted?"

The look on the guy's face was a lot like the look on Mal's face when a plan starts goin' bad and he don't have any brilliant ideas on how to fix it. "No," the doc said, slower this time, "I mean what just _happened_? What was... what did you say to her? What did you do to make her calm down, what... what _happened_?"

"I dunno!" I yelled. "She said she had brain fire, so I just... told her to use brain water. Ain't that what you use when you got fire, you throw water on it? Didn't they teach you that in ruttin' doctor school, how to put out fires?" He looked speechless, which put a swagger in my step as I walked past him, grinning to myself. I felt proud of myself cuz it ain't often that I outsmart someone with my brain, but that doc looked about as outsmarted as a blind man put in a circular room and told to piss in the corner.


	7. Chapter Six - Simon's Journal

**Excerpt from Simon Tam's Journal -**

I'm not petty.

River has made great progress through the mental exercises that we've been working on, and I'm pleased to say that she has finally found a safe haven in her mind where she feels in control, where her foreign memories and thoughts and all the damage that the academy did to her can't touch her. I'm thrilled that she's making progress. She's been sleeping better, with fewer nightmares, and her appetite is very healthy. There are moments where she is exactly like the baby sister I knew when we were younger. She laughs more, and smiles more. She even teases me more (which I could have lived without but I'm glad that it's back, if it makes her happy). I feel a great sense of relief not just because of how well she is doing, but because I was taking a big chance on this kind of treatment and it's delivering promising results.

But it bothers me to absolutely no end that Jayne found a way to really connect to her when she was in trouble, and I couldn't. I can't figure it out. It sounds so stupid! She was in a panic, her mental space was burning around her, and he suggests water? That's so... simple. Anyone could have just said "throw water on it", but River's mind isn't some camp site with a cozy little campfire. It's complicated, and deep, and scarred. I've spent almost an entire year working and reworking different medications to help her, different therapies, I've done countless hours of research. She has dragged us all through Hell in a hand basket and I've been there every step of it, holding her hand and stroking her hair and cleaning her vomit out of my bedsheets because she's too scared to sleep alone but her meds make her sick. I've given up everything in the world for her because she needs me, I've given everything to her and Jayne just says "water" and suddenly she's just fine. I've risked life and limb and everything else to find out what's wrong with her and Jayne barely even cares about her but the only thing he's ever done that's been of any help seems to be the only thing she needed. I don't even know what it was he did, why his help was so much better than mine. I can't figure it out. It's driving me crazy and I can't figure it out.

I'm happy that she's doing well. I really, really am. I shouldn't even care that Jayne was the one to make her better because that's not important. I'm not doing all this for recognition, I'm not doing it so she'll thank me. I'm doing it because I love her, because she needs help. I shouldn't matter where that help comes from. In fact, no, I don't care. If Jayne is the one to bring her around then good, I'm glad for it. I should thank him for it.

_Wǒ hèn nàgè gǒu niang yǎng de._


	8. Chapter Seven - Simon Says

The run didn't go well today. If you asked Mal, Zoe or Jayne, they'd disagree. They would tell you that the job was a smooth one, there was no trouble with it, and everyone walked away with what they wanted. Nobody got hurt, nobody was threatened. They'd say you couldn't have asked for a simpler pickup.

If you asked me, however, or Kaylee, or my sister who had been with us, you would be told that the trip had not been a very good one after all. It had started out very promising- the captain actually agreed to let us all off the ship to stretch our legs, provided we came back in time to leave. It was a planet Kaylee had been to before, and she wanted to show me one of her favorite places on the rim, and I was happy to see it. Even having River tag along with us didn't bother me, although truthfully, I would have appreciated some alone time with Kaylee. Still, the weather was pleasant, and everyone was in good spirits, so I had assumed that the day was going to be a nice one. It was not.

The place Kaylee brought me, one of her favorites, was a tavern. Not just an ordinary one, though. It was the one closest to the scrap yard, where the workers and scrappers and welders go for a drink after putting in long hours of work. Kaylee explained that she loved it in there because there was always someone to talk to about whatever it is Kaylee likes to talk about, and there's always someone there looking to unload parts or make a trade. To say that I was unenthusiastic about going inside was an understatement, but I didn't want to hurt Kaylee's feelings. Besides, I knew I would have to get used to going to places like this if I ever hoped to live in her world, and it seemed that I would be living in her world for the rest of my life. For a while it wasn't too bad. I was bored, yes, but River was there to talk to when Kaylee got too involved in her discussions about engine parts and other mechanics, and of course there was alcohol. I don't drink very heavily, so I can nurse a beer for hours if I need to. I even let River try a sip. She didn't like it, and she made that very clear by gagging loudly. I'll note that having your sister make violently disapproving noises about the drinks served in a place isn't a good way to stay under the radar.

Even River's antics, though, didn't ruin the outing. What did was the gentleman who had taken up almost a full hour of Kaylee's time talking about this, that and the other, and had quite clearly taken a shine to her. When I gently reminded her that we had to get back to the ship, he growled at me like an ape and told me to "leave the young lady alone". And then he called me Nancy, and I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, unless he was just implying that I'm a woman. And if he was, he had just spent almost an hour talking to a woman who knew more about mechanics than he did, so how was it an insult? Kaylee, in her calming way, told the guy that I was right, and we did need to head out, to which he informed her that she didn't have to go with me and she was free to stay if she wanted. And he stood up, rolling his shoulders and cracking his knuckles. He looked like a gorilla fighting for dominance at the zoo, and that was when it occurred to me that he was probably going to try fighting for Kaylee's hand. The entire moment was so absurd to me that I laughed, which I suppose was the wrong thing to do. The guy narrowed his eyes at me, and Kaylee turned to me and glared so hard I swear I felt her gaze burn a hole into my face. I didn't know what I had done wrong this time, and I couldn't worry too much about it anyway because once River hopped off her stool I knew it was time to leave.

After grabbing River by the wrist and shooting her a warning look, I turned back to Kaylee and said "We have to go."

"I'll catch up," she told me, her voice cold and angry. I'm sad to say it was not a tone with which I an unfamiliar. I opened my mouth to tell her that she didn't have time to 'catch up', and that Mal was going to be angry with us if we didn't get to the ship on time, but judging from the way she glared and then turned back to her new friend, I decided to leave it be. I even waited outside the tavern for a few minutes while River kicked rocks across the parking lot, but after ten minutes I gave up and took my sister back to the ship to meet the others.

I didn't find out what I had done wrong until Kaylee finally made her way back home. The captain had been shouting at me the entire time that she was late and it was my fault because I should have picked her up and carried her back to the ship so we could leave on time because we had schedules to keep and so forth and so on.

"Kaylee!" Mal yelled when her shoes came stomping up the ramp. "I told you two hours. You're late."

"Sorry, cap'n."

"I got you that part you wanted, you know, the one you won't stop dropping hints about."

"Thank you." She gave him a bright, cheery smile, then turned to me with a deadly hate look. "And thank you for nothing," she spat.

"Me?!" I asked, incredulous. "What did I do?"

"Nothing! That's the gorham point! That guy coulda picked me up like Tarzan and climbed up a building with me and you woulda just sat there and done nothin' bout it!"

"I..." I began, but I didn't add to that since I had no idea what the problem was or why she was angry with me. All I could think to say was, "It was King Kong who climbed the building, I think..."

"That ain't the point!" she snapped. "That guy was trying to put a claim on me and you didn't do nothin' about it. You just sat there bein' all polite and quiet. You didn't even try to get me t'leave with you."

"I did too! I said-"

"I meant before that," she corrected me, and she said it so vehemently that I stopped arguing for a moment. "You coulda told that guy that I was there with you, you coulda at least tried to stand up for me and defend my honor, but you didn't."

It was then that I realized her problem. She had wanted to me pound my chest like the guy in the tavern had. She had wanted me to accept his challenge for dominance and pick a fight with him just to prove that she was mine. I couldn't hide the confusion, and growing anger, from my face. "So, you wanted me to tell that guy off and fight him to make him understand whose girl you are?"

"Well you coulda done something, not just sit there an' let him think he coulda had me. I mean I'm your girl now, ain't I? Why couldn't ya have done something to prove it?"

"Because I'm not a brute!" I shot back to her. I knew, even in the heat of the moment, that I was saying things that I didn't mean. I knew Kaylee was going to be hurt, and probably angry, but I couldn't stop myself. I was angry, and I was still shaken from having a gun in my face and surrounded by willing fists to brutalize me. The adrenaline in my system was too high to stop myself from talking. "I'm sorry that I'm not the kind of person whose going to pull out a gun when someone looks at you wrongly, or throw a punch at a guy who makes some comment about you, but I'm not, I'm just not that person. I don't want to be that person, and if that's what you want in a man then you're better off with someone like Jayne! Although," I added with a scoff, "he'd sell you down the river for a bag of coin, I'm sure."

Kaylee's face twisted in anger a bit, which would have been cute but I was too upset to think about it right now. I did notice that she looked like she wanted to strike me, though. "No," she said tightly, shaking her head and crossing both arms firmly across her chest. "No Jayne wouldn't ever do that. You think juzt cuz he's rough around the edges and he talks tough that he ain't a good person but he is. So don't you say that he ain't takin' care of his own cuz he is. He wouldn't never turn tail on any one of us." Her eyes were narrowed and dark, defying me to fight back, to just say one thing about it. And I could, believe me I could. There was so much she didn't know. Jayne had almost sold both River and myself back to the Alliance, and if he hadn't been taken down with us, he would have let us go. He would have taken the money they gave and slept soundly that night, I'm sure about that. I don't hold it against him now- I don't think he would consider doing it now- but that doesn't erase what happened.

Still, I couldn't tell her. Kaylee's brightness showed everyone she met in their best light, and she wanted to believe in the best of people. I loved it about her, and I couldn't crush it. Maybe she needed to know the truth, maybe she deserved to know. But I couldn't do it no matter how mad I was right then. "Right," I said tersely, and left it at that. I did spare a glance at Jayne, who was shoving boxes into the hiding space and pretending not to hear us, but the look on his face gave him away. Good, I thought to myself. I still can hold that over your head. Being on the Rim was making me petty, I think. Or maybe it was just bringing it out.

The captain sided up beside Kaylee, and looked briefly between us. Then he nodded toward me, but spoke to Kaylee. "Is he the new part we just picked up?"

Kaylee's face played out her confusion, and she scrunched her nose at Mal. "Huh? Is he... well no. He ain't."

"Then why are you flapping your gums at him?" Mal pressed. "I ain't passed one day in the last month and a half where you didn't start my morning with askin' me for that there part, and now you got it and it's sittin' around waiting." Patting her on the arm, he started walking off, nodding for her to follow. "Unless Simon's gonna get my boat in the air, you leave him be and get back to work, dong ma?"

"Sure, cap'n," she sighed, sparing me one last half-hearted glance before walking away, her little shoulders slumped and depressed. I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed myself.

"You weren't made for the outer planets," River said to me, as she hung over the catwalk railing.

"Thank you," I retorted, frowning at her.

"You're soft and civilized, you fight the wrong fights."

"Thank you," I said again, meaning it less and less every time.

"She's starting to doubt-"

"Thank you!" I shouted, loud enough to cover her words, and for once make her stop talking. I pressed my hands to the sides of my head, hoping to alleviate some of the pressure of the oncoming headache. My girlfriend was angry with me because I wasn't treating her like property. As someone who has worked alongside female doctors, and women of power in politics, this very notion is mind boggling. I had always been told by my mother and teachers not to treat women like you own them. I had been told by past girlfriends not to act like a brutish jerk, because nothing makes a woman angry faster than assuming you have to fight her battles for her.

"I don't get it neither."

Jayne's voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to him, letting my hands fall to my sides. The comment had seemed so out of context to me that I didn't know what he was talking about at all. "What?" I asked him finally.

After kicking the metal grid to make sure it was secured, he stepped his way over to me, hands in the pockets of his dingy pants. "What she's so mad about. I mean, what's she expect a guy like you to do? You can't take nobody in a fight anyhow, you'd just get your ass beat on. What's she want you to get all bloodified up for no reason anyhow?"

Staring at him a moment, I tried to comprehend exactly what was happening between us, but even after a bit of thought it wasn't satisfactory. "I'm... I think there might have been some gesture of support in there, maybe..."

"I'm just sayin', she don't make no damn sense to me neither. It ain't just you."

"Well... thank you," I said hesitantly. Jayne was actually being friendly, which often gave me cause to be uneasy.

"And 'sides, I tried doin' what she said you shoulda done one time, and she got mad as hell at me." Leaning himself against the nearby wall, Jayne shrugged at me, like a man telling a story that he doesn't want you to know impacted him any. "Some guy was all over her in some place an' I came over to help, cuz she looked like she needed some, an' I told the guy she was my girl and he oughta step off if he knew what was good for him. And then Kaylee told me that she don't belong to no one, 'specially not me, then she stormed off madder'n hell."

"So... you and Kaylee...?" I had to ask, because if she had never told me about this, then I had a few choice words for her.

"No," he said moodily, giving me a look. "But that ain't even the point. I came to her defense like she said she wanted you to, an' she got all pissed. So she don't want that, and she don't wanna not have that, so who knows what the hell she wants."

"Augh!" River groaned from up above us, hanging over the railing with her hair all around her face. "You two are so stupid!"

"Hey!" Jayne yelled up at her, stepping away from the wall so he could look up at her. "Who asked you, moonbrain?"

"_You_ are stupid, and _he_ is stupid for listening to you, and you're both morons!"

"Oh yeah?" Jayne raised his fist, then looked around like he was trying to find something to throw at my sister. I gently took hold of his fist and lowered it, shaking my head at him. He grunted at me, but much to my surprise he let his hand drop and settled on shooting River a dirty look. "Damn girl thinks she knows everything," he muttered.

I shrugged at him, crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't know... maybe she knows something we don't."

Snorting down at me, Jayne narrowed his eyes. "You think some crazy baby sister knows more about women then someone who actually deals with 'em?" He stomped a foot at me as he walked away. "See if I ever offer no help to you again."

"No I didn't mean that... I..." I sighed, since it was clear that he was set on leaving angry. "Thank you," I called after him. "For the gesture."

"Dédào xìngjiāo," he shot back, then he trompe up the stairs and disappeared out of sight.

River's eyes were wide as she watched him go, her head following his motions like an owl. "He wanted to help," she pointed out.

I sighed once again, rubbing my forehead with my fingertips. "Yes," I agreed.

"He was trying to help and you didn't listen. You said he was wrong."

"I... you're the one who said we were wrong!"

"Thaaaaat's not the point!" she said, swinging herself up over the railing. "You're a very smart doctor and a very stupid boy, Simon." She nodded at me, as though cementing her words of wisdom, and then she flounced off, leaving me to stand alone on the loading dock and wonder how it was, exactly, that I'd managed to alienate so many people in such a short span of time.


End file.
